‘Regular readers will know that there are many, many things in life that I fail to completely comprehend.  I make no secret of this and am often entirely bewildered by world events and trends on a daily basis…’

On this episode of ‘More Things Suzanne Is Totally Baffled By’, we’re focusing on little ones. This is not meant to offend, so please read the statement below at the bottom of the page if you’re sensitive about your kids*.  Thanks.


I don’t get this. When I was little, the only place you graduated from was University. This was largely as a result of you working your butt off for 3-5 years and being rewarded with a degree.

These days, kids graduate from play school. It’s sweet and all but, even if they were really crap at it, it won’t stop them getting meaningful employment 14 years down the line.  Therefore, I’m confused to what it is they’re actually graduating from.

I can’t help thinking that, if you graduate from play school, then nursery, then primary and secondary school, by the time you get to Uni (if you go), you might think it’s a done thing.

I mean, if you don’t rack up shit loads of debt, have you really graduated at all?? I don’t know of any 4-year-old struggling with a student loan taken out for crayons.

Baby Bows

Babies are often cute. They’re not all cute, though; let’s be honest. However, putting a bow with a band around a tiny baby’s head won’t change that. I also can’t help thinking it sets them up feeling they have to accessorise from the start of their tiny little lives.

They don’t.  They’re babies.  Leave them alone.

The main thing that annoys me about this is; why only girls? Why the pressure to make them look like girls? Don’t they already? Why do you feel the need to put a bow on your tiny baby’s squishy little head? Little girls don’t give a crap about headbands.  They want food and naps – just like boys.

There’s really no need to start differentiating them from birth – girls will understand they’re not boys soon enough when they make 22% less from the tooth fairy than their brothers do.  I jest, of course, there’s no evidence that the Tooth Fairy is guilty of flouting equal pay rules.

Blue and Pink

More than ever, this annoys the actual crap out of me.  Why do we insist on dressing kids in the colours some idiot decided should be gender specific?

Even in this day and age, when we hear countless stories of people who are quite literally attacked and mocked for daring to feel uncomfortable in the body they were born in, why can’t we seem to pry ourselves away from rushing out to buy some frilly pink monstrosity the *second* we know someone’s pushed out a baby girl?

To be honest, I’m not a fan of girlie stuff in general, so it’s not much of a shock that I hold this view.  When my sister was giving birth to her first child, I was literally crossing my fingers it would be a boy.  This is mainly because I had a little boy in my own house and I was comfortable with that.  Plus, I’m much better at talking football than makeup or Disney princesses, so I thought I’d be a much better Aunt to a boy than a girl.

I just hate walking through stores and seeing the division between pink and purple stuff for girls and blue and green stuff for boys.  Go crazy, people!  Dress your girl in blue or your boy in pink! They won’t die.

Why Everyone’s Kid Is ‘The Brightest in The Class’

Now, this can’t possibly be true for everyone.  All classrooms are made up of bright children and those who might be better at art, craft, sport, music, or anything else that isn’t necessarily ‘academic’.  Also: some children just aren’t smart.

What makes me laugh is when parents seem SO keen to tell you just how clever little Emily is.  ‘She’s the brightest in her class, you know…’  No, I don’t know.  And neither do you because you don’t know all the other kids in the class the same way as you do your own and you’re not armed with the information needed to make this judgement.  So stop it.

It’s amazing when parents are proud of their kids and all kids should be encouraged to learn.  However, I don’t want to know that you think your kids are better than someone else’s.  It makes me view you as somewhat arrogant and pretty dismissive, to be honest.  And I’m not a fan of that at ALL.

Being smart at 5, or 10, doesn’t always have that much impact on the decisions your child will make later in life.  Smart kids don’t always make smart adults.  And smart adults don’t always start off as smart kids.  Stop playing them off against each and telling people that you managed to produce someone who’s better than the little person someone else produced.  It’s a dick move.  By all means, celebrate your child, but don’t dismiss other kids in the process.

The ‘It’s different when it’s your own’ brigade

I’ve encountered many people over the years that think looking after a child is a completely different prospect if you’re a parent than if you’re just a mere step-parent.  Worse still, you can’t possibly be trusted to look after children if you, you complete monster, haven’t squeezed one out yourself.

Not true, folks.  Looking after kids is pretty much all the same, as far as I can tell.  They all do much the same thing.  You know, eating, sleeping, making noise, etc.  My little sister is an amazing Aunt and (fairly) responsible adult who doesn’t have any kids.  I don’t really think this is an issue for my older sister when she looks after her three boys.  I’ve just spent three days looking after one of my nephews and neither I or my husband have kids of our own.  It. Doesn’t. Matter.  I’m sure it helps, but it’s certainly not essential.

I was once told by someone, with genuine surprise in their voice, that they had a friend who DIDN’T have kids was really good with their daughter.  Wow, I thought, how can that possibly be??  Imagine having the ability to change a baby, or say hello to them when you don’t have any of your own.  How do these people know what to do??


Suz xx


*Note: just to ward off any ‘how dare you give your opinion if you don’t have children’ comments, please be aware that I have an 18-year-old stepson.

This means I’ve changed nappies, been kept awake all night, dealt with tantrums, mess,  homework, and peeing all over the toilet floor.

I’ve been on package holidays and football tournaments and attended school plays. I even spent years cooking nothing but pizza and chicken nuggets and the refusing to let Josh leave the table because he refused to eat any of it. I know my shit.