‘A couple of months ago, I had the rather excellent idea of taking my nephews to Gdansk. Good ideas are an infrequent occurrence, so it’s fair to say it took me by surprise…’
It’s not that I don’t have ideas, because I’m full of them. It’s just that they’re not always well thought out. As an example, the other night, I refused to turn Netflix off at a reasonable hour. This was so I could watch a full episode of ‘Unbelievable’. Unfortunately, I failed to take into account that watching one episode meant I wanted to watch another one. And another one. And so, I wound up finishing the entire series at 1 am. On a school night.
Netflix and Ill
Not only was I wide awake at 1 am but I was so upset by the whole storyline, I was crying hysterically. That led to me being unable to sleep because:
a) I appeared to have lost the ability to *stop* crying
b) I was having trouble breathing through my nose.
Because I couldn’t breathe through my nose, I had to breathe through my mouth. I obviously can’t sleep with my mouth open because I read once that spiders will actively crawl in there while you’re at your most vulnerable. I don’t want to encourage that kind of nonsense. And so, my whole Netflix plan backfired spectacularly. Was it a good idea? No. Was I fun to be around at work the following day, all emotionally unstable and shattered? Also no. Like I said, my ideas aren’t that great.
Gdansk City Break
However, amongst a plethora of stupid ideas, I had a solitary fabulous one. I, Suzanne Tam, would offer to take my three nephews on a foreign adventure during their October school break. And I would do it single-handedly, like all highly competent Aunts do. Except that Other Aunts don’t, do they? No. Other Aunts are wiser and smarter than me. Other Aunts get help. This help often comes from Other Uncles. I know this to be true because everyone I informed about the impending adventure with my nephews has gasped at me in sheer horror, followed by a look of total disbelief. It’s the kind of reaction I’d expect if I told them I thought Boris Johnson was a good Prime Minister. Or that I’d just run over their cat.
Literally, every conversation I’ve had in two months has gone something like this:
Person: Aw! That’s so sweet. Is your husband going, too?
Me: No, he can’t take time off
Person: So, like, you’re taking them…ON YOUR OWN? Wow. I mean, I…Wow. Really?
Either these people know me too well (except some of them were practically strangers), or my nephews’ reputation as the aptly titled ‘Dangerous Brothers’ precedes them.
I’d like to point out at this stage that these comments also came from members of my own family. And, come to think of it, from two-thirds of the very nephews I’m taking away. Where the comments didn’t come from was my sister. She chose, rather sensibly, not to question my choices and, instead, opted for five nights of peace and quiet. It’s merely a vicious rumour she’s added the contact number for the Polish police to her speed dial.
Anyway, I write this after a few months of having people doubting all my amazing skills as an Aunt (I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but I’m sure I have some). Instead of letting it worry me, I, like Baldrick before me, have come up with a cunning plan. I have decided to entrust much of the sensible thinking to my eldest nephew. He’s 15. He’s not aware of this yet (about the sensible thinking, I mean. He knows he’s 15…). I figure I’ll engage him in conversation nearer the time. Probably once the fasten seat belt sign goes off.
I have also considered the possibility that my sister may install some kind of GPS tracker device on her children before she leaves for the airport. That way, she can alert me from the comfort of her couch, should one of them decide to wander off while I’m cuddling Polish doggos on the street. Either way, I reckon I’ve got all the bases covered. It’s bound to be an unforgettable trip.
In a good way, ovbs.