‘I’m going on holiday with my nephews in Poland. Not having kids, I quickly realised I have to change some of my habits. These are 6 things I can’t do in Gdansk….’

Things I Can’t Do in Gdansk #1: Listen to true crime podcasts with no earphones

One of the greatest joys in my life is doing household chores (in Wales, not in Gdansk…) with the audio accompaniment of murder and mayhem.  As I’m often alone at home, I tend to turn up the volume on my phone, pop it in my pocket, and let the sounds of serial killing and random dismemberment fill my ears.

For obvious reasons, I probably can’t really get away with doing that in an apartment with three kids. Even if the oldest is 15. I haven’t actually floated the idea with my sister, but I’m fairly certain it’s a non-starter. Not only can’t I listen to them freestyle if you will, but I probably shouldn’t listen to them at all. I’m not sure how appropriate it is to listen to Paul Holes recount the tales of John Wayne Gacy while I feed a 12-year-old another slice of cheese pizza.

Things I Can’t Do in Gdansk #2: Watch Forensic Files in bed

I suffer from insomnia and find it incredibly difficult to sleep. To deal with this, I can be found, most nights, watching TV on my iPad until I can’t keep my eyes open. Once I get to this stage, it’s on with an audiobook and time for snoozin’.  This is not an issue at home as Les is fully aware of my rather odd definition of relaxing pre-sleep TV. He also sleeps through it, so the volume doesn’t bother him.

For the entire Gdansk trip, I’ll be sharing a room with an eight-year-old boy. He’s little and cute and loves his stuffed doggos (they’re called Olly and Ozzy, in case you were wondering). He knows nothing of spousal abuse or family annihilators. It’s also unlikely he knows much about blunt force trauma and blood spatter and I assume my sister would like to keep it this way. Therefore, I’m already trawling my iPad for shows that are non-murder related. Netflix will probably lock me out of my account for downloading The Crown as they’ll definitely think I’ve been hacked.

Things I Can’t Do in Gdansk #3: Sing at the top of my voice

I love singing. It’s one of my favourite things to do. I sing ALL OF THE TIME. I do it in the car (at full volume), around the office (slightly quieter, and usually only when I’m alone in the kitchen), and all around the house (at a pitch only dogs can hear). I also love country music. I’m fully aware that my nephews don’t really share my musical tastes. I’m putting this down to them not spending enough time with me, so there’s hope for them yet. Anyway, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be able to put my normal tunes in Poland without a chorus of ‘OMG what IS this?’ from at least two of the three.

To combat this problem, I have pre-emptively downloaded songs by Ariana Grande and Post Malone to my Gdansk iPhone playlist. Send help.

Things I Can’t Do in Gdansk #4: Be disorganised

I am the Master of the Disorganised. The Queen of Chaos. I’ve never been organised and everything I do in life is pretty much at the very last second.  I get up at the same time every morning, do the same things, and drive the same distance. Yet, not once have I ever managed to carry out these things in a regimented fashion. I either forget to grab my lunch from the fridge, lose a shoe, misplace my keys, or just sleep in all together. I’m 41 years old. I’ve been working since I was 17. I still haven’t mastered How To Do Mornings.

For the next few days in Gdansk, I have no choice but to be organised.  I’ve actually been practising for the past month and, OMGSOTIRED. This is probably the most challenging of All The Things I Can’t Do in Gdansk.

Things I Can’t Do in Gdansk #5: Not speak

It may seem odd to some, but I spend a great deal of my time not talking. This is largely due to the fact I find it quite tiring. I’m a staunch introvert and very much enjoy the sound of silence. Well, actually, that’s not true. I love noise (music, TV, Jose Mourinho’s voice) but I don’t always like *talking* noise.  It’s not uncommon for me to spend hours on end not speaking and be thoroughly content. Because of Les’ long work hours, I’m on my own at home a lot. And because I work during the day and can’t do that *without* talking, I like to have a break after I finish.

In a small apartment in Gdansk, with three children, I get the distinct impression not speaking won’t really be an option. I could try it, but it’s likely to result in more problems than it causes. After all, if I don’t speak up to make the decisions, I’ll end up eating KFC dinners for five nights solid and having ice-cream for breakfast. Might do it anyway, to be honest.

Things I Can’t Do in Gdansk #6: Swear

Possibly the weirdest of all the things I can’t do in Gdansk is use my normal vocabulary. Living in an adult-only household, I tend to swear quite frequently. This is mainly because I can and I don’t have to set an example for anyone. With three children to look after, I’ll have to adapt my language. This has been quite amusing, so far. Who knew there were so many other words to use instead of ‘bollocks’?.  I hope to use them all over the course of five days. I feel this will be my biggest challenge.

Wish me luck!

Suz xx